Oh wow my life is not the same at all as it was last time I wrote in this.  It's almost amazing.  My state of mind has changed... everything has. It's almost amazing.  I would have NEVER guessed how things would have turned out in February.  I guess I should start from the beggining....

Last time I wrote in this Bryan had just dumped me.  I was devistated.  Well, as I thought, he came back.  They always do.  And I didn't take him back.  In fact, I wanted no part in anything he had to say.  He hurt me too badly.  I wasn't going to let him do it again.  So I trudged on with my life and tried my hardest to forget him. It was impossible though bc I still talked to him every night.  I was still completely in love with him but I was too scared to take him back bc taking him back meant giving him the opportunity to hurt me again and, considering our track record, him doing it again was inevitable.  So we did our little tap dance all summer and at the end I started breaking.  At the end of July I was coming to the realization that he was the guy I always wanted him to be so I asked him to come back.  Whoops!  Too late!  He had been seeing a girl for a little while and he took stock of all we had and said he would rather try his luck elsewhere.  I was pretty upset.  But.....

It's been about 2 months since that happened.  I am no longer upset about it at all.  Him doing that helped me look at the 2 years we were together and size it up.  Wow was that depressing.  I can't believe I didn't run away screaming faster than I did.  Bryan and I had a horribly tumultuous reltionship built on a shaky foundation and bad timing.  We were children.  We didn't know what we were doing.  How could we have? I mean, we said our "I love you" 2 weeks into the relationship.  That should have been a clear "hey, this is crazy" signal but it didn't.  So yes, there will never be another Bryan and Jessica.  And while some people hate that I really think people need to see it the way I do.  Bryan is a cool guy and I'm a great girl.  But we are VERY different people heading in VERY different directions.  I want more from life and my quest for success is insatiable.  I would never be happy with anyone who just settled.  The 2 years we dated were filled with fights and arguments and break-ups and break-downs.  We would have been more successful as friends.  I was extremely immature when we dated.  Within the last 6 months I've become an adult though.  Here within the last 2 months more than ever.  I still have a lot of growing to do but I see things totally different now.  I feel like myself and I live how I want to live.  I am not accountable to anyone but myself.  Which is wonderful because I have earned so much respect for myself.  Believe it or not, I have much stronger character than I ever gave myself credit for.  I can have fun, but I have it in a way that would never have anyone label me with any negative connotation.  I have made new friends with people of all races and creeds. I have let go of people who were not good friends.  I have studied my butt off and made good grades.  I have also made bad grades.  I moved in with three other girls.  We get along famously.  We haven't even had so much as a disagreement.  I have laughed until my abs hurt.  I haven't had any desire to cry.... only tears have been happy tears.  I have made plenty of adult decisions.  I have delt with adult reprocussions.  I held a recruitment to be matched.  I grew a deeper respect for my sorority sisters. (No one will ever understand how much I love those girls.)  I got into the gym.  I resolved conflicts that needed to be resolved years ago.  I decided what I wanted from life and how I am going to achieve it.  I have gotten A LOT done.  I have learned to deal with dissappointment in a healthy way.  I have learned to deal with success in a healthy way.  I learned to ignore cattiness. I learned how to be a really great friend. I learned to confront problems head on and deal with them.... not dwell on them.  I have learned the value of a secret.  I have learned what I want in a life partner and I have since had my 1st "adult relationship".  Which I ended because he had little ambition and didn't want to go back to college but he drank like a college student. Was he a great guy? Absolutely.  He treated me like a woman and I had all but forgotten what that was like.  But, he and I were just in 2 different places.  Very adult, I think.  : )   Either way the things I am most proud of learning are 1) to put the past behind me, forgive, and forget.  And 2) life really does move on and even in it's heights and pitfalls it really is wonderful.  I am happy to be alive.  I am excited about tomorrow and my future.  God has WONDERFUL things in store for me and I absolutely cannot wait to see what they are.  Life is beautiful and so am I!  : )

So that is the summation of the last few months.  Big changes, but amazing results.  I am happier now than I have ever been.  I am happy just being by myself.  Who knew I could accomplish so much?!  I underestimated myself.